


anchor me in your interstellar sea

by pagans_in_vegas



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Endgame Fix-It, F/F, Mild Angst, Mostly Fluff, spoiler alert clint dies on vormir instead
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-27
Updated: 2019-09-27
Packaged: 2020-10-29 10:14:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20794976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pagans_in_vegas/pseuds/pagans_in_vegas
Summary: "They’re so dull from down here," Carol murmurs, half-mournfully. "You should come up to space, I’ll show you around, take you to all the prettiest stars.""I’ve been to space," Nat reminds her, amused, tilting her head to the left and watching Carol scrunch up her nose playfully."That was just once, and it didn't count." Carol rolls over suddenly so that she's resting on her elbows, leaning over Natasha. "I’ll bring you up there, one day."(Or: Eight short blurbs about Carol, and Natasha, and how their story has always been written in the stars.)





	anchor me in your interstellar sea

**Author's Note:**

> I was supposed to write a blurb for someone. Five hours, one TV show episode and over 2000 words later, I came up with this. Title loosely adapted from a lyric in Cassiopeia by Sara Bareilles.

** _i._ **

The stars are bright in Wakanda the night the Avengers fall to Thanos and _lose_, for the first time. Natasha stands at the balcony of the citadel, her chin resting against her hands as she stares out across the wreckage of the battlefield. She'd been helping the Dora Milaje and the rest of the Wakandan army earlier, moving the dead and tending to the living, until her legs had almost given way under her; Steve had caught her around her waist, then, and ordered her to rest.

But she _can't_ rest. Her mind plays back the events of eight hours ago over and over (has it really only been eight hours? The clock, its red numbers glaring at her from the dim light of her room, seems to suggest so.), and whenever she closes her eyes, she sees _them_ all over again, falling, their bodies crumpling into nothing more than dust and sand, carried away in the eddies of the wind: Wanda, Bucky, T’Challa, Sam.

_Wanda. Bucky. T'Challa. Sam_. She repeats quietly, fiercely, her fingers digging into the carved bannister of the balcony, which creaks alarmingly under her grasp. _Wanda, Bucky, T’Challa, Sam. Shuri. Groot._

An invisible weight settles itself across her shoulders as their names roll off her tongue, reminding her of how badly they'd - _she_ had - failed; the roiling guilt at the back of her throat reeks of bile and blood and _desperation_. She releases her grip on the iron railing to clench her fingers into her hair, lets the sharp sting distract her from the tears that are already threatening at the backs of her eyes.

She tilts her head back, blinking them away.

_“I'm sorry,_” she whispers into the night, and the air snatches her words from her lips, tosses them up into the sky. She's not entirely sure _who_ she's apologising to - the dead, maybe, except that they're not around to hear her, not anymore. “_I'm so sorry._”

And the stars blink back at her, distant, unfeeling, and cold.

* * *

** _ii._ **

There'a a shooting star in the sky above the Avenger's compound.

There's so much to do, even if Thanos is gone - even if only temporarily. With half the population disappearing in an instant, the world had been launched into chaos - planes falling out of the air, ships going adrift because most of their crew is suddenly _gone_, governments everywhere falling apart. They keep busy, all of them, jetting out to rescue missions wherever their needed, but everywhere they go, Natasha can see the accusatory glares and sense the chill in the silence that greets them.

_"Keep your head down and ignore them," Steve tells her the first time they go out together to face what remains of the US Senate, but she _can't_. She can _feel_ the weight of their gazes against her back, and she hunches over instinctively, quickening her pace. Her old instincts are screaming at her to move, to _run_, that she's in the middle of an ambush, and she has to force herself to relax and hold herself steady as she follows him across the square and into the Pentagon._

Natasha finally escapes to the roof of the compound six days after the Snap, four days after Carol Danvers had taken off to look for Tony. The night air is cool against her face, and it's quiet for once - just for a moment, there are no meetings to attend to, no paperwork to look through, and she blows out a long, heavy breath, tilting her head up to study the sky.

The lights of New York are dim - with over half the population of the city gone, the remaining residents are staying cooped up in their homes, half terrified of facing the world - and for once, Natasha can easily pick out the stars above the city. If she squints, she can pick up the three stars that make up Orion’s Belt and – wait, there's a _fourth_?

It’s growing larger by the minute - her fingers are reaching out for her gun when Steve bursts onto the roof -

"It’s Danvers. She has Tony."

By the time they've managed to scramble down to the grounds of the compound, Carol's already _there_, and while they're busy with Tony, Nat turns to her.

"Thank you," she holds out her hand. Carol takes it, beaming easily back at her, bright and effervescent, a star in her own right, and Nat can't help but smile back at her, and feels the tiniest little flutter in the depths of her heart.

* * *

** _iii._ **

The first time Carol Danvers kisses her, they're lying under a sky full of stars.

It’s a slow evening in the compound - Carol is back from space for once, and Natasha had decided against doing any actual work in favour of spending some time with her. They’re curled up together on a blanket spread out on the roof of the building, watching as the sky turns from blue to pink to purple, and then slowly, one by one, she starts seeing tiny flickers of light in the sky.

"They’re so _dull_ from down here," Carol murmurs, half-mournfully. "You should come up to space, I’ll show you around, take you to all the prettiest stars."

"I’ve been to space," Nat reminds her, amused, tilting her head to the left and watching Carol scrunch up her nose playfully. It’s a rare moment that they get to be together like this - without the rest of the Avengers around, Carol is softer, gentler, less guarded, and it makes Nat's heart _ache_ with a sudden rush of tenderness for the woman lying next to her.

"That was just once, and it didn't count." Carol rolls over suddenly so that she's resting on her elbows, leaning over Natasha. "I’ll bring you up there, one day."

She looks so earnest about it that Natasha's urge to laugh fades away, and she studies Carol's warm brown eyes for a long moment.

"I’d like that," she says, finally, and the wide grin of delight that spreads across Carol's face makes her smile, too, and then as though they've rehearsed this many, many times before, she reaches up to cup her palm to Carol's cheek, before sliding it round to tangle her fingers into the soft, light-gold strands of hair at the nape of her neck even as she leans upwards -

Carol tastes like an intoxicating mix of strawberry-flavoured chapstick and Asgardian liquor and smoke all at once, and Natasha chases her lips when she pulls away, kisses her again and again, and thinks that the warmth exploding deep in her belly is what it feels like when two stars collide.

* * *

** _iv._ **

Steve finds her up on the roof of the compound late at night.

The crunch of his footsteps on the loose gavel gives him away at once, and she half-turns, watching him out of the corner of her eye as he picks his way carefully toward her; he mimics her posture, leaning his body against the cool metal railings, looking up to study the skies above.

“Never pegged you as much of a stargazer,” he begins, and she shrugs in reply.

“I’m not.”

Natasha can sense his questioning stare levelled at her, burning against the side of her face, but she ignores it - she’d come up to the roof to escape from all the paperwork and emails still waiting for her below, and all she wants now is to be left alone. There’s a long moment of silence before he pushes himself upright and gives her a nod before turning away; she can hear his footsteps fading into the distance, and then it’s just her up on the roof alone, with nothing but the wind and stars above her head for company.

Being out here like this makes her feel closer to Carol, somehow - it calms her down to know that Carol is out there, somewhere, fierce and bright and luminescent, her very own supernova, trying to save the universe.

* * *

** _v._ **

Space loses its lustre for Natasha after she returns from Vormir - without Clint, with the Soul Stone; she feels her knees buckle under her the moment her feet hits the ground back in 2023.

"Where’s Clint?" Steve's voice comes out sharper than he means to, she can see him wince at his question, and she opens her mouth, but Tony beats him to it.

"He’s - "

She cuts him off with a curt nod, her jaw clenched shut and aching with the effort of holding back the sob building at the back of her throat. Her hands are shaking when she turns them over and opens them - the Soul Stone glows a faintly red against her palm, and she stares at it blankly.

_Clint's soul_, she thinks, feeling heartsick, and she can't wait to get rid of it suddenly, pressing it into Steve's hands before turning away.

"I just want it to be over and done with," she forces through gritted teeth when Steve touches her shoulder - if she lets herself cry now, she'd _fall apart_, and she can't afford to do that - not yet, not now, not until their job is done.

She watches, her skin itching in equal parts anticipation and blind terror when Bruce lifts up his hand, the stones snug in their settings, and -

_Snap._

There's - nothing.

For a long minute, there's nothing but silence, and Nat thinks that they've failed, that Clint had given up his life for _nothing_, and then -

The world erupts around her in a mess of dirt and fire and plunges all of them into hell.

* * *

** _vi._ **

There's a shooting star streaking through the heavy, grey clouds above them, heading right for Thanos' ship.

It takes a moment for _her_ to register - her ears are still ringing from the airstrikes that she doesn't _hear_ the sudden chattering in her earpiece immediately, but when she finally manages to blink away the dust blurring her vision, she recognises Carol at once.

"Carol - " she finishes off the Outrider snarling at her with a quick blow to its neck, leaps over its body - Carol's landed in front of her, just feet away, and all the breath leaves her lungs when Carol sweeps her up into a crushing hug.

"Nat," she hears Carol breathe her name softly - almost reverently. "Natasha. You're okay - you're _okay_."

(Natasha tries not to think about the gaping Clint-shaped _hole_ left in her soul.)

"I’m okay," she says instead, and leans up on her tiptoes and kisses Carol, fierce and quick. "You have work to do."

Carol's already pulling away - reluctantly - and Nat squeezes her hand once more, and then lets her go.

"I’ll see you in a minute."

"Promise?"

Natasha hears Tony groan over her earpiece, but rolls her eyes and replies anyway, "Promise."

* * *

** _vii._ **

Carol approaches her two weeks after the funeral.

"Come with me," she reaches out and rests her arms around Natasha's waist, pulling her close; Nat buries her face into the soft cotton sweater Carol had stolen out of her closet so long ago. It smells like a heady mix of detergent and space and _Carol_ all at once, and she inhales deeply, letting her body relax into Carol's embrace completely.

"Come with me - back to space," Carol tells her again, and Nat seriously considers it for a moment - it's _tempting_, the idea of gallivanting through space with her girlfriend with nothing but tomorrow's adventures to worry about, but there's still so _much_ left to do. Steve's gone, Tony's gone, Clint's gone, and with Thor in space and Bruce - well, she's not entirely sure what Bruce is up to, nowadays - occupied, it falls to her, now, to make sure that the new team hits the ground running.

"Nat?" Carol pulls away, worried, when she doesn't reply.

She reaches out for Carol's hands and tangles their fingers together, and Carol gives her a reassuring squeeze.

"I can't," she sees Carol's face fall for a moment, before it's replaced by understanding. "Not yet, there are still things I have to do."

"But soon?" Carol asks hopefully, and Nat smiles at her, reaches up to brush her thumb over Carol's cheek.

"Soon," she promises.

* * *

** _viii._ **

This time, when Carol comes for her, she doesn't say no.

She thinks that she's outlived her time in the Avengers months - if not _years_ \- ago. The Avenger's compound has been rebuilt, using money left for them in Tony's will, and even though most of the building looks similar, it's not _the same_.

Steve's heavy, familiar tread down the corridor has been replaced by Sam’s lighter, quicker trot. F.R.I.D.A.Y. has been replaced with a new A.I., programmed by Shuri and one of Parker’s friends from school. They get new recruits, Parker introduces her to a Cindy Moon - his classmate, or so she hears, Wanda shows up with a Kate Bishop one day, and Maria Hill sets up S.H.I.E.L.D. all over again in the offices below.

She puts the new recruits through their paces, makes sure that they're both fit and combat-ready, but she keeps looking over her shoulder all the time - there's an odd, haunting presence around this building, and sometimes she feels like if she stares hard enough, she'd see Steve walk around the corridor with Tony in tow, or Clint -

She forces the memories away, snapping the lid of her luggage shut. She’s not bringing much - "_all you need are your clothes, really_" was what Carol had said when she'd enquired about the logistics of moving her entire life off-planet - and when she turns, Carol is standing there, leaning lazily against the doorway.

Natasha can't help herself - she drops her bag back onto her bed, flings herself into Carol's arms and presses her lips to hers in a fierce, bruising kiss.

"Missed you," she breathes out in between breaks for air, and Carol doesn't respond in words, but she drops a gentle, tender kiss to the top of Natasha's head when she sets her back down on the ground, and Natasha knows that she's missed her, too.

She's had enough of spending so much time apart - and she's looking forward to being able to go to sleep in Carol's arms every night, and waking up to her face every single morning.

"Are you ready?" Carol holds out her hand to Natasha, and this time, Natasha takes it.

She lets Carol lead her out of the compound, out to the hot summer air, up the boarding ramp of the ship that will take her up to the stars above - and into the rest of her life.


End file.
